Brown Avenue

I Drew This

2010-07-29T07:10:00.001-07:00

I Drew This

2010-07-19T07:52:00.000-07:00

Fuck you, Facebook

2010-07-08T13:05:00.000-07:00

Hey "Internerd"

2010-05-12T16:33:00.000-07:00

Go fuck yourself.

John Singleton directed Boyz N The Hood. He got a Best Director Oscar nomination for that piece of shit. Remember when Cuba Gooding Jr. spazzes out? Well he WON a fucking Oscar, though not for punching the air and crying histrionically while a pre-mustache wax Nia Long just stands there like a sack of potatoes.

And you know where I got this image from? I stole it from someone else's website. They probably worked real hard on it and I just fucking stole it. And what? I like that other people in this world work hard while I just walk up and steal their shit. It's like if some little kid came home with a dumb piece of shit ashtray he made out of Play Doh and he was really proud of it and I was like "Hey watch this" and I made him watch while I raped it on the living room floor. And I'd still rather watch that than sit through Boyz N The Hood again. Not Poetic Justice though. I love that ignorant shit.

I bet Janet Jackson's vagina is the kind of person that lets little kids blow out her birthday candles because it's, you know, more fun for them.

Magazine Style Retraction

2010-05-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hello.

So it turns out I was wrong. I believe Dr. Hughes was in fact pointing out that it would be erroneous to label a koala as a bear--just as it would be erroneous to label a rose as a tulip. I read it too quickly, and I made a huge error that makes me look even stupider than I am. So I retract the whole thing about the bear/marsupial gaffe; it was I who in fact gaffed.

That said, I stand by my closing argument ("Fuck you, Stephen Hughes."). In fact, I drew a picture:

In this picture, a cat has climbed up a tree and is dropping shit pellets on Dr. Hughes' fat bald head. He is wearing pumps that feel like sneakers because I bet those are just catching on now in Australia. There is also a dumpster full of human body parts and dead birds; I assume that one of his forebears made a fortune in the dumpster trade, which in turn allowed his son to be such a soft, pudgy lameshit dickwad "academic". Listen, mister: you may be hot shit in Brisbane, but to the rest of the world you're that girl in the porno who gets jizz on her face and breaks out in hives and has to leave the 'biz and then gets really fat and becomes a physics teacher.

NB: I drew that picture while taking a shit.

Dicktionary

2010-05-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

Apparently the Oxford English Dictionary has had the wrong definition of the word "siphon" for almost 100 years. The efficacy of a siphon, according to the OED, was dependent on atmospheric pressure; in actuality, a siphon works because of gravity. Stephen Hughes, a professor somewhere, discovered the error and said this (probably anticipating that many people wouldn't give a whit about the mistake):

"We would all have an issue if the dictionary defined a koala as a species of bear, or a rose as a tulip."

This would be all well and good if a koala were actually a bear. As it stands, however, a koala bear, nomenclature be damned, is actually A FUCKING MARSUPIAL.

So congratulations, asshole--you found someone who cares about the error. Funnily enough, though, I wouldn't have cared at all if you hadn't made such a stupid mistake. I respect your efforts to rectify a long-held and widely published error, but you don't have to be such a dick about it. That's like the first thing they teach you in school--a platypus lays eggs even though it's a mammal (did you know it's venomous, too?), a female hyena has an enormous clitoris (or "mock penis"), and a koala bear is actually a marsupial.

Fuck you, Stephen Hughes.

More More More Gypsies!

2010-01-13T10:30:00.000-08:00

I have a good feeling about this year for gypsies. It feels like they're everywhere!

Here is more of the Farruquito saga, as discussed by two of my favorite people on the planet.

On Jan 12, 2010, at 3:45 PM, rachel barker wrote:

This is so entertaining and confusing.
1. how did he have time to become famous, run someone over and get married to a gipsy woman?
2. are gipsy women mixed in with the men in Spanish prison? If not, how did the two meet?
3. They did the handkerchief test in jail?
4. Am I stupid?
I could not read the elmundo article. I think because I do not subscribe to elmundo, it was in Spanish?
do you have any pictures of the wife? I would like to see a proper gipsy lady, not just the kind that curse turistas.
thank you,
Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I hope this clarifies your questions:

1. He is heir to the "Farrucos" family knowledge and tradition. They are a renowned dynasty of Flamenco dancers. Hence his name "Farruquito" (little Farruco). Here is a video where you can see how gipsies start dancing and learning knife skills at a very young age at family parties and weddings http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3vsdm_fiesta-gitana-boda-de-farruquito-y_music

2. Men are woman are kept in separate jails. Gipsy weddings are arranged by the families and the bride and groom do not need to know each other necessarily. A picture is enough.

3. The handkerchief test was performed by Farruquito's mother in the privacy of the Farruco family house

4. No, this is very confusing if you are foreign. I am attaching a wedding picture of the bride and groom so you can have a better understanding of gipsy fashion style. The last one is Farruquito and his mother, the domineering matriarch in the ceremony. It's bousy.

Nacho

Nude It!

2010-01-12T16:44:00.000-08:00

1. Fact: This is the #1 downloaded application on Kuwaiti iTunes.

Seriously, Kuwait? I liked you better when you were being invaded--you were more sympathetic and less lame.

2. I think this is Celia from America's Next Top Model:

I think she's just terrific.

3. The comments leave me confused--if these people are blind and retarded, why do they have iPhones?

I don't know what Georgepouts expected based on the advertisement, but he should stop being such a little bitch. (You thought I was going to say he should stop pouting, yes?)

4. The word "shet" will now be a permanent fixture in my vocabulary.

And who's the jackoff who didn't find that review helpful?

That's it for now--I have to go take a shet, and I'm not even making that up. I'm gonna do the kenken while I'm shetting.

Jury Doodie

2010-01-12T14:26:00.000-08:00

I think it is fairly obvious that I am not an ideal candidate.

Sometimes

2010-01-12T13:42:00.000-08:00

something perfect just drops in your lap. I received this email today. No context is necessary.

Dear Rachel,

You had some trouble telling real gipsies from fake ones when we were in Spain so I am sending a picture of a real one. This was on the news today ( http://www.elmundo.es/elmundo/2010/01/12/cultura/1263311606.html ). In a nutshell, the guy in the picture ran someone over and killed him three years ago while he was driving around without a license (he was 14). He drove away but someone saw what happened and the police caught him and put him in prison. Three years later he is free and his family went to jail to pick him up, you can see them in the picture. He is a very famous flamenco dancer. Also, he got married while he was serving in jail to a gipsy woman. She was subject to the white handkerchief test before the wedding, just the way a proper gipsy wedding should be. I thought you would like to know this. If you had had your waxing done in Zaragoza I believe you would have been subject to the handkerchief test too. For more information, google "Farruquito". Happy new year!

Steve, I think this is blog material

Nacho

Boy Meets Makeover

2009-12-17T06:40:00.001-08:00

I did this last night.

I couldn't put my finger on who he looked like, and then I realized it.

Topanga.

So You Think You Can Sympathy Vote

2009-12-10T12:42:00.000-08:00

Last night the finalists for "So You Think You Can Dance" were revealed, and I haven't hated Utah this much since my parents used to drag me there every summer and I would spend my days cycling through watching TV, crying, and masturbating. Sometimes I did all three at once.

First off, I am very happy for Kathryn, Jakob, Ellenore, and Russell. They all deserve to be there.

My sadness and anger stem from these two fucking axe wounds, the most perfect examples of why everyone in this country needs to watch his back when a Utahan is around.

Here's Ryan:

Ryan, 28, is a total piece of shit. He's actually not a terrible dancer, but he is such a fucking desperate one. Unlike most of his much younger competitors, he doesn't really seem to be that into dancing. He just really seems to be into being famous, which is to say, into himself. I'd be embarrassed if I were consistently outdanced by people who were 8-10 years younger; I'd be Ryan if I loved every second of it. This arrogant prick is so full of himself he's shitting his own head. He's actually gone so far up his own asshole that he's come back out again. Watching him react to the judges' compliments is like watching a mobius strip suck its own dick. But of course he doesn't have to suck his own dick because he's got his smoking hot wife

Ashleigh

This bitch. can. catch. a. brick. She proved herself to be a pretty good dancer, definitely better than her dipshit husband. I even felt sorry for her when I learned she was sidelined for years by a parasite. Underneath the horse face and parasites, though, there's something obviously cold and possibly malevolent. I do think she loves to dance, but I suspect she also might love to get you to punch her during sex just so she has dirt on you so she can call the cops when you inevitably disappoint or bore her. Her most cuntish qualities, though, became evident in her dislocated shoulder performance on Wednesday; she figuratively waltzed into the finale without having to do any literal dancing and took a spot from a more deserving dancer in the process. Which brings me to

Mollee

This poor girl was fucking robbed. I'm sure everyone in America hates her for all the obvious reasons--she's young, she's pretty, she's adorable when she talks, she has a sunny disposition and a stage mom, she's already had quite a bit of professional success as a dancer. I don't really care about those things. I love her because she looks like my friend Montse; because as freshly scrubbed and cute as she was, she always looked a little mangy and like she would sort of smell bad; because she can dance really, really well; and because she looked so heartbroken and confused when she was eliminated. This wasn't the anger and befuddlement of an arrogant bitch who wants you to fuck/punch her in the face so she can hold it over your head and who can't wrap her own head around the fact that not everyone loves her more than they love her competitors; it was the genuine sadness and panic of girl whose talent far outstrips her savvy and who has just had her dream abruptly cut short. She got beat by a shoulder in a sling and a whole bunch of assholes from Utah who felt sorry for one of their own.

I find it difficult to express how much I dislike smug couples. It is almost impossible for me to even understand how much I hated to see these two fucktards literally and figuratively shuck and jive their way into undeserved success. Their whole schtick is like Mormon minstrelsy. If, taken individually, both Ryan and Ashleigh are the boner shrinkingest boner shrinkers who ever shrunk boners, then taken together they are a boner black hole. They warp space and time so that you never even had a boner in the first place.

So good luck to the four contestants who deserve to be in the finale (and to Mollee and Legacy, though I'm sure they'll both be just fine)--here's hoping that, come next Thursday, Ryan and Ashleigh (I can't even believe I've given her the respect of spelling her stupid fucking name right) will be well on their way to fading into obscurity, and, more important, that we can all get boners again.

2009-12-09T13:39:00.000-08:00

So I just tried to use the bathroom down the hallway. There are three one person bathrooms, and they all smelled like a fucking horse carcass, each one worse than the last.

Here's a visual:

Shitty

Shittier

Shittiest

And lest you think I have a problem with black people, people in drag, or black people in drag, I find this

Hilarious

Hey Asshole

2009-12-09T12:47:00.001-08:00

Quit while you're behind.

I Just Saw Bloody Eyeball in Barnes and Noble

2009-12-09T12:42:00.000-08:00

And it felt something like this

"Higher Learning" is the Worst Movie Ever Made

2009-12-08T13:50:00.000-08:00

That's all I have to say.

Today's Rebus

2009-12-07T11:34:00.000-08:00

Category: Musician

Dedication...

2009-12-05T15:15:00.000-08:00

..to Rachel Barker--the prettiest girl in school.

This Is Why Computers Were Invented

2009-12-05T15:01:00.000-08:00

To make my friend look like a prostitute,

Or:

To make my nephew look like a cholita.

Welcome to Brown Avenue!

2009-12-05T14:45:00.000-08:00

This is what the internet was made for.